The Prickly Pineapple

The last few days have been very hard for me. The waves of grief have been tsunami like. The exhaustion is like an anchor weighing me down. The pounding in my head and ears is unrelenting. I just want to sleep until things are better. But things won't be "normal" ever again. Trying to find my new normal seems to evade me. What will it look like? What do I hope it will look like? I hope the days will be filled with more joy than sorrow. I hope there will be less emotional swings. I hope my energy level will increase so that I can do more than work when I'm able to, eat, and dress. I so much wanted to go to the Rec Center yesterday and get some physical activity in but I was too tired. Emotionally and physically. I want to be able to prepare a nutritious meal - that too seems to be an overwhelming task. I want to go to Hobby Lobby and get some things for our Christmas tree - that seems like a monumental task.  Our precious grandson is hanging out with us for a couple of...

 It has been a whirlwind of activity these last 5 days. I've already shared about our Thanksgiving day which was great. The day after Thanksgiving we were able to attend the Nebraska game. It was a fun game to watch. The outcome could have been better. :-) Then comes Saturday. It started off as a typical Saturday. Jim and I went to our favorite coffee shop and walked around a few shops in Jefferson. That afternoon our oldest daughter called and asked us if we could keep Theo overnight. She hadn't been feeling well, thought her asthma was acting up, and wanted to go to the ER and then get some good rest after she got home. We were planning to go to an event in Huxley that night so we told her we'd come watch Theo while she was at the ER so her husband could go work his evening shift.  She got to the ER and learned that it was not her asthma at all - the problem was that she was experiencing shortness of breath because she had developed pre-eclampsia again. I have some experi...

 The passing of time can be strange. How, on one hand, it feels like Brendan died yesterday. When I remember, which happens over and over and over again each day, I find it hard to believe that he has been gone for over a month. On the other hand, when I sit here thinking about all the "firsts" that have taken place, it doesn't seem possible that he's only been gone for just over a month. So many firsts...the first morning waking up after receiving the news and feeling the gut punch that has now become a daily thing, the first day back at work, the first time eating out at the restaurant we ate with him the last time he was home, and the first time I slipped on one of the shirts he should be wearing instead of me. And then there was the first time I used the Kindle he gave me, put on the earrings he gave me, used his coffee cup, and wrapped his scarf around my neck.  The last few days have brought on several "bigger" firsts...the first Thanksgiving without h...

 Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I've been terribly sad all day. I've had a headache most of the day. I took my migraine pill and it did not help. I think my body is stressed and tense in anticipation of the first Thanksgiving without Brendan.  Ever since he left for college and began his adult work life, I've always had a sliver of hope that he might show up on a holiday he told me he wasn't able to come home for.  He did that just last year when he surprised me by showing up for Christmas when he had told me he had to work - little liar. :-) What a wonderful surprise that was. He was actually with us for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. What a treat. If I would have known it would be the last one I would have taken more photos, tried to remember every conversation, what he was wearing, and focused more on being present than on all the tasks that distracted me. Big family dinners don't just magically appear - it's a whole lot of work and I confess to being ...

Will I ever again go through an entire day without crying? I keep thinking I'm all cried out and then, nope, wait, there's more...I am tired of crying. I truly am. It's exhausting. I feel like a wrung out dish rag after I cry.  I had a pretty good day. My mind was clearer than it has been since the evening of October 21st. I got quite a bit accomplished work wise today. I even stopped at Sam's Club on the way home to buy cuddle duds for when we go to the Nebraska game on Friday. Oh, that's right, my Iowa friends would find it more tasteful if I referred to it as the Iowa game being played in Lincoln, NE, on Friday. :-) I lost a significant amount of weight over the last year and that loss of insulation might be the death of me. I am feeling like I can't get warm and it's not even winter yet. I might be in trouble when it actually turns really cold here. I got home from work and had a bite to eat and then that horrible thought popped into my mind again.The th...

 I have often wondered what kinds of things are helpful to those who are hurting emotionally and what well-meaning things are not. I think most all of us have been in situations where we don't know what to say or do. Like the times when nothing you say or do can change a terrible situation, but you WANT to be able to do something that might bring a friend or loved one comfort.  I am sure that many will not agree with me and that is as it should be. We all grieve in our own unique way and we all process things differently. Here are some of the things that I am finding are NOT helpful (for me):  Being told that everything happens for a reason. That might be true, but hearing those words right now makes me want to pull my hair out, Being told that I should just jump right back into everything so I am distracted from my grief. Certainly there are people who do that and it somehow works for them, but that approach definitely doesn't work for me. I am finding that doing the "no...

 I have been a lover of all things Christmas for a very long time. I love the season that represents Hope coming to the world. I love Christmas trees, lights, the wonder of the mystery of Santa in the eyes of little ones, Nativity scenes, snowmen, festive smelling candles, gingerbread cookies, and feasting on holiday favorite foods. I love the anticipation of being surrounded by my family.  There have only been a handful of times in my life when I have been less than enthusiastic about the Christmas season. The first was Christmas of 2008 - the year my sweet Jim had his stroke and was in the hospital. I remember the church we were serving at coming to the hospital after the Christmas Eve service and singing carols. Another prickly pineapple moment. The second time was in 2012...my mother-in-law passed away on December 23rd that year. Christmas Eve day found us driving the 635 miles home to plan her funeral. And the third time is now, this year, Christmas of 2023. This is the f...

 I don't know why today was so hard. I had an appointment this morning that went well and I even laughed a couple of times. After I got home I logged on to work and all of a sudden my anxiety sky-rocketed. I began to cry, a lot, like, ugly crying - again. I felt so angry at Brendan today. I know it's not rational to be so angry at someone who was sick and in pain, but, I AM ANGRY. Brendan knew that I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety. He KNEW. He knew what this would do to me. How could he knowingly send me into this terrible place of grief? He knew that his sisters would be devastated. He knew his dad would be broken. And yet, he STILL left us. Willingly. He wasn't taken by a physical disease or the victim of a terrible accident. My logical mind tells me that yes, he was sick, very sick, and he didn't want to do this - he felt hopeless and powerless and chose the only path he thought would bring him peace. However, it's not the logical part of me that was ...

 I worked from home today like I do most every Monday. I have my office in an upstairs bedroom. There is a family picture on the wall. Normally I don't pay a lot of attention to it, but today it kept drawing my attention like a moth to a light source. I see a different time when I look at that picture. A time before Jim's stroke and before my heart shattered into what must be at least a million pieces. I long for that time - an easier time. I am jealous of the smiles on those faces - faces that were not yet marred by deep sorrow.  Tonight I went with my husband to a bereavement support group that was focused on managing grief as we navigate the holiday season. I didn't want to be there. I do not want to have a reason to be invited to a group like that. It makes me angry that I do have a reason. The facilitator of the group is a lady chaplain. She has a soothing voice and a gentle spirit. She had an excellent presentation with some very common sense type suggestions to help ...

 I woke up this morning to get ready for church and I was super disorganized. The women out there can probably relate. I couldn't decide on what to wear - this outfit made me feel like I looked fat, that outfit looked stupid, I didn't have the right shoes for the other ensemble - good gravy. And, to be honest, I was wondering why I even cared about it, but, for some reason I did. I was so frazzled that when I actually got to church and went to take off my coat, I noticed I had it on inside out. Fabulous. It was just that kind of morning. Tonight we went back to our bowling league - the first time since "it" happened. I was sitting there tonight thinking that the last time we were at bowling I am pretty sure I was texting with Brendan. Goodness, how I wish I could have texted/chatted with him tonight. It's also weird seeing different groups of people for the first time since, you know, "it" happened. You kind of feel like you are on display - not that any...

 I am thankful that I went back to work yesterday and that today is a federal holiday. I was able to spend time with my husband, both my girls, our little Theo, and Maddy's boyfriend, Spencer. It was a very nice day. I was reflecting earlier in the day that there were bits of time today where I was not thinking about the loss of Brendan and the manner in which he died. It gives me hope for the future, hope that every single moment will not be marked by sharp, intense pain; that as time goes on there will be more frequent and longer lasting times that will be marked by happiness, peace, and laughter. Then came FedEx. I noticed the van pull up in our driveway. I went out to retrieve the package that had been left on our porch. I noticed the return address: United In-Flight Team. Inside the package was a stack of 31 cards tied up with blue and white ribbon. I began opening and reading the cards that members of Brendan's United family had graciously taken the time to write. These a...

 Today was my first day back at work since this nightmare began. We had a 2 hour early release today so I just worked 6 hours. It was tough. There is a TON of stuff to get caught up on and it feels kind of like trying to dig out of a very deep hole. I am finding it hard to focus. I don't know how long this brain fog will last. I hope my bosses will continue to be patient with me as I try to get back on my feet. They have been so very understanding and accommodating and I appreciate it more than words can say.  Being around people was weird too. I found that there were three primary responses to interacting with me today. Some people greeted me and talked with me and made zero reference to "it". Others seemed unable to have a conversation about anything other than "it".  And, finally, some tender-hearted, empathetic souls offered their condolences and their own tears as they shared in my grief. I just want to get this out there - it is okay to ask me about it, an...

 I've already decided that I don't like this grieving process. I want to be on the other side of it. I want this whole emotional roller coaster of grief and mourning to be in the rearview mirror where I believe it belongs. I have been corrected again. Today I started reading a book my grief counselor husband gave to me and has been encouraging me to dig into. I haven't even made it into the meat of the book yet, in the Foreword section a sentence jumped out at me. Dr. Alan Wolfelt referenced a quote from John Donne that says, "He who has no time to mourn has no time to heal." Ouch. I really do want to heal more than anything so I guess that means that I cannot fast forward through this unpleasant process. I've had a busy day today and so far I have only cried twice. It's interesting that now I am kind of measuring my forward progress by how much or how little I cry each day - I have a suspicion that my self-induced benchmark is probably not healthy and I w...

 I can feel myself slipping into a depression. I know that once I start down that rabbit hole I will end up in a  not-so-good place. I am trying to be intentional about doing things so that won't happen. I realize that these things might seem very insignificant to some, but the energy it takes to accomplish the smallest tasks these days is shocking. Today I woke up. I took a bath. I dressed. I ate. About the time I thought that's all I had in me and wanted to go to sleep again is when one of my girls and her son showed up. That visit was like someone throwing me a life preserver. While they were here I smiled, I laughed at my sweet grandson's antics, and felt pleasure watching my husband play with our sweet Theo. We shared a meal together and Shaylee and I visited a couple of stores. When Shaylee and Theo left I cried again as I felt suddenly afraid of letting them go. I remember when I stood outside and waved good-bye to my Brendan several weeks ago not having any idea it ...

 I posted yesterday about dreading being asked the question about how many children I have. I go to the mail box today and find a jury duty notification. I go to the website and follow the instructions and there it is..."Do you have children?"..."How many?" And just like I thought, it hurt. Today has been hard. Today I looked at the death certificate - the piece of official paper that details the beginning and end of my son's life. I see the cause and manner of death and my stomach flips. I feel like I might throw up. See, I had to look at the death certificate today to ensure that the cause and manner of death sections are filled out because there are several organizations waiting to receive that information to be able to process the claims. I wonder why we are even bothering to do it because I have been made aware that there is a suicide waiver on the life insurance plan. That means that if Brendan passes away and the manner of death is determined to be suicid...

Hi. My name is Laura Mead. I am a wife, a mom, a gramma, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and a new member to a club I don't want to be a part of. I already mentioned that I am a mom. Until the evening of October 21, 2023, when asked how many children I have I would quickly answer that I have three beautiful kids - one boy and two girls. Now I am dreading being asked that question. As I type this entry, just the thought of how I should answer that question makes my heart beat faster, my head begins to throb a little and I can feel my stomach starting to get wonky. How is a mom who had three living children and now has two living children supposed to answer that question? Should I say I have three kids, but only two living? Should I say I have two kids and feel guilty that I am somehow not paying homage to the one that is here no more? I don't know the rules. Are there rules? Is there an algorithm out there somewhere that clearly details what I'm supposed to do, what I am suppos...