Morning thoughts

The last few days have been very hard for me. The waves of grief have been tsunami like. The exhaustion is like an anchor weighing me down. The pounding in my head and ears is unrelenting. I just want to sleep until things are better. But things won't be "normal" ever again. Trying to find my new normal seems to evade me. What will it look like? What do I hope it will look like? I hope the days will be filled with more joy than sorrow. I hope there will be less emotional swings. I hope my energy level will increase so that I can do more than work when I'm able to, eat, and dress. I so much wanted to go to the Rec Center yesterday and get some physical activity in but I was too tired. Emotionally and physically. I want to be able to prepare a nutritious meal - that too seems to be an overwhelming task. I want to go to Hobby Lobby and get some things for our Christmas tree - that seems like a monumental task. 

Our precious grandson is hanging out with us for a couple of days. He is missing his mommy and daddy so much as they are where they need to be at this time. They are mostly camped out at the NICU supporting each other and working with Elena on feeding. When Theo cries and says, "I want my mommy and daddy" my heart breaks. And I think 'I want my Brendan'. The separation of a mother from her child has to be one, if not THE, worst thing ever. Theo and his momma will be reunited in the near future and that is wonderful. I will not be reunited with Brendan for what I think will be a very long time. I'm happy for Shaylee and sad for myself. 

I have two meetings for work today. I hope I can focus well enough to get through them and be professional. The current state of my mind is such that I want to show up in my pajamas wrapped in a cozy blanket with fuzzy socks on and my cup of coffee, kick my feet up on the desk, and say, "S'up?" Nothing seems to matter except getting through the intense waves of grief; however, I know that these things are important, they do matter, and they require my complete attention. Philippians 4:13 says that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, so I am asking Him to get me through these meetings and the rest of my work day. 

Theodore is awake. He is running around, playing with the dogs, and trying to avoid his diaper change. His battery is clearly charged to 100% plus. I'd like to be able to hook up my battery cables to his and I'd be all set! 

Death and life - contrasting pieces in the same puzzle. Darkness and light. Grief and joy. It's interesting to think that in order to fully appreciate the one you have to experience the other. It's comforting to know that Jesus experienced every emotion that I can experience. He understands my grief and pain. I don't have to explain it to Him. I can just draw close to Him and bask in His presence. Without Him...I can't even finish the sentence. I need Him. I love Him. More importantly, He loves me. 

Comments

  1. strokesurvivorNovember 30, 2023 at 5:53 AM

    Everyday seems to present a new challenge. Everything is new and different without Brendan, but nee a different with Theo and Elena. It's weird...

    ReplyDelete

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