What are the odds?

 I posted yesterday about dreading being asked the question about how many children I have. I go to the mail box today and find a jury duty notification. I go to the website and follow the instructions and there it is..."Do you have children?"..."How many?" And just like I thought, it hurt.

Today has been hard. Today I looked at the death certificate - the piece of official paper that details the beginning and end of my son's life. I see the cause and manner of death and my stomach flips. I feel like I might throw up. See, I had to look at the death certificate today to ensure that the cause and manner of death sections are filled out because there are several organizations waiting to receive that information to be able to process the claims. I wonder why we are even bothering to do it because I have been made aware that there is a suicide waiver on the life insurance plan. That means that if Brendan passes away and the manner of death is determined to be suicide, which it was, within the first two years of the effective date of the policy there will be no benefit paid out. At the time of his passing, Brendan was three weeks shy of the suicide waiver no longer being in effect. When I was first told about that, two days after being notified of his death, it felt like another huge punch in the gut. My husband and I did not have funds set aside to take care of this. We had life insurance for our children when they were young in the event that the unthinkable happened, but when they became adults and got established with their careers they carried their own life insurance policy. We felt that if the unthinkable did happen that there would be funds available to cover the expense without anyone having to take on the financial burden in addition to the terrible emotional one. But, that word again, suicide. It changes everything. But there is a light in the darkness regarding this particular issue. People who knew and loved Brendan, know and love us, and know and love his two sisters have been incredibly generous. Donations started coming in and due to the generosity of so many of you Brendan's funeral home bill is paid in full. I wish there were words to adequately express our appreciation - the best I can come up with are THANK YOU. You have helped lift a huge weight off our shoulders. 

I have been exhausted all day. I can't tell if it is because I am not sleeping well or if it is grief. Regardless, it's hard to think, hard to focus, and hard to accomplish all the tasks at hand. My anxiety has been increasing as I realize that my first day back to work is in two days. I am wondering how I will be able to do my job well when I struggle to communicate a coherent thought. 

I know I am not the first mom to go through this. Sadly, many have taken this journey before me and I fear that many will follow. Somehow these other moms got through it. I hope I can count myself among them some day. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and I have struggled with feelings of abandonment and rejection as long as I can remember. Those feelings have resurfaced. I keep having to fight the ugly thoughts that continually bombard me. Thoughts that make me think this is just more proof that I am not enough and I will never be enough. If I was enough, Brendan wouldn't have done this. I also know that God is not the author of these thoughts and that the Enemy wants to use this situation to destroy me and my family. Please, God, please keep reminding me of your love, your protection, and your provision. Tonight I am choosing to believe God over the noise of these other terrible thoughts. If I can get through one day, I can get through two, right? I am working towards healing with each breath I take. Not having Brendan here is never, ever going to be okay, but I do believe that God can and will use this situation for His greater glory. I have no idea how, but that's not my job to figure out. My job is to trust. This might be the toughest job I've ever had.