To Decorate or Not To Decorate?

 I have been a lover of all things Christmas for a very long time. I love the season that represents Hope coming to the world. I love Christmas trees, lights, the wonder of the mystery of Santa in the eyes of little ones, Nativity scenes, snowmen, festive smelling candles, gingerbread cookies, and feasting on holiday favorite foods. I love the anticipation of being surrounded by my family. 

There have only been a handful of times in my life when I have been less than enthusiastic about the Christmas season. The first was Christmas of 2008 - the year my sweet Jim had his stroke and was in the hospital. I remember the church we were serving at coming to the hospital after the Christmas Eve service and singing carols. Another prickly pineapple moment. The second time was in 2012...my mother-in-law passed away on December 23rd that year. Christmas Eve day found us driving the 635 miles home to plan her funeral. And the third time is now, this year, Christmas of 2023. This is the first year that we will experience Christmas without my precious boy. I'm used to not seeing him on the actual holiday itself as he worked a lot of holidays, but I was always able to look forward to our family celebration on another day other than Christmas Eve or Day. That is no longer the case. Any family time will be without him. Such a sad reality.

The weather is going to be turning cold and that always makes me want to dress up my home. But this year...I know I will open boxes and the treasures inside will bring memories of Christmases past flooding back. Most memories will hurt like a really bad word this year, I know. But not to do it...not to surround ourselves with the things that bring us comfort and joy would also bring us pain...pain in the knowing the reason we choose not to do it. 

I am trying to think of new traditions we can start. We have very few family members left and our Christmas gatherings have become smaller over the years. We have also grown a bit too. We anticipate having two blessed grandbabies with us this Christmas. We have added a wonderful son-in-law and another unofficial one - he really needs to make it official. Hint-hint. :-) I wonder how many others we might know are also experiencing the prickly pineapple this holiday season. If any of you reading this live near us maybe we can unite and get through this together. Thanksgiving is next week and my heart is so not ready, but it is coming, like it or not. Haven't decided on what to do yet - there's still time right? :-)

A sweet friend came over today and shared my sorrow. It was a precious time. I will treasure the memory of this time spent together and the figurine is so beautiful and perfect. You know who you are - thank you so much!

I've had a thought bouncing around in my mind and I'm not sure if it is weird or not. Is it weird to invite other grieving people over to my home to share our grief together over a beverage of their choice and maybe some goodies? Because everyone knows that a day is only complete if you've laughed, cried, and had chocolate, right? No agenda other than to walk with one another on this journey to grow around our grief. Or maybe you are in a stage of your life that you are not under the heavy mantle of grief, but you want to be that person whom the grief-stricken individual can companion with. The Lord has blessed us with a home with the space to gather and I'm always so nervous about having people over because there are always things that aren't "just so", you know? But, I am realizing now more than ever that life really is very short and if I wait until things are the way my mind imagines they should be I will likely never follow through. A comment my son made to me plays through my head constantly. It was this: "Mom, I am standing here in a city with thousands of people around me and I feel so alone." I, too, struggle with loneliness. This post-Covid world doesn't seem to be one of connecting and sharing the way I remember it pre-Covid.If you need/desire/want a friend, I am ready and waiting. My home is open. I will be a safe place for you. If you need me to listen, you need a pal to cry with, you want to laugh, you need to share scary thoughts and raw emotions, you want to talk about the person who will be absent from your holiday celebration - I am available. 

I believe I will decorate for Christmas. I am trusting that after the initial sting many of those familiar items will bring that it will be followed up by peace and joy in knowing that I was lucky enough and blessed enough to have had Brendan in my life for 31 plus years. I hope I loved him well. I know he believed he would never be enough. One of the last things he wrote was this, "I wanted to be enough - I'm sorry I wasn't." He did not write that to any of his family members, it was written to someone who broke his tender heart. Brendan, you were always enough for me. I love you.