11/8/2023

 I've already decided that I don't like this grieving process. I want to be on the other side of it. I want this whole emotional roller coaster of grief and mourning to be in the rearview mirror where I believe it belongs. I have been corrected again. Today I started reading a book my grief counselor husband gave to me and has been encouraging me to dig into. I haven't even made it into the meat of the book yet, in the Foreword section a sentence jumped out at me. Dr. Alan Wolfelt referenced a quote from John Donne that says, "He who has no time to mourn has no time to heal." Ouch. I really do want to heal more than anything so I guess that means that I cannot fast forward through this unpleasant process.

I've had a busy day today and so far I have only cried twice. It's interesting that now I am kind of measuring my forward progress by how much or how little I cry each day - I have a suspicion that my self-induced benchmark is probably not healthy and I will likely be confronted about it as I dig deeper in the book.

I woke up, dressed, ate, and drove to my chiropractor appointment. I don't think I have been to a chiropractor in over 15 years. There are a few reasons why. 1) After my husband had his stroke I was asked multiple times by many different physicians from varying disciplines if Jim had received chiropractic care and/or neck manipulation prior to the onset of stroke symptoms. So, I was afraid to go; 2) Since Jim had his stroke in December of 2008, I have had a hard time finding time for self-care; and 3) there are always so many other things to spend our money on and it feels selfish to spend it on things like chiropractic care, massage, acupuncture, etc. The chiropractor basically agreed with my self-assessment that I'm a mess. He believes he can help me and he has scheduled me to see the other provider who specializes in acupuncture. I have a friend, Wendy, who had told me once that "self-care is not selfish." I'm trying to remember that.

When I was talking to the chiropractor today we discussed my past a bit. I had a turbulent childhood, I ended up in foster care, I have lots of emotional trauma and I now know that many of my current struggles are likely related to child-hood trauma that possibly played a part in my body not learning how to respond to stress in a healthy, manageable way. For years I have tried to just "push through", but it is becoming more and more clear that there is no way around the pain. Each traumatic life event that arises cripples me more and more. This latest tragedy, the loss of my boy, is threatening to undo me completely. 

I will be leaving with my husband very shortly to go help out in our church's children's program tonight. I hope that being around the kids who are so full of life will be more of a blessing than a reminder that my sweet boy who used to go to Awana in that same space is no longer among us. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us that our God is the God of all comfort. He comforts us so that we can then comfort others because we have experienced the comfort that only He can provide. It is my prayer that God will use this, use Brendan's life and his death, and use me for His greater glory.


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