Today kinda sucked

 I don't know why today was so hard. I had an appointment this morning that went well and I even laughed a couple of times. After I got home I logged on to work and all of a sudden my anxiety sky-rocketed. I began to cry, a lot, like, ugly crying - again. I felt so angry at Brendan today. I know it's not rational to be so angry at someone who was sick and in pain, but, I AM ANGRY. Brendan knew that I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety. He KNEW. He knew what this would do to me. How could he knowingly send me into this terrible place of grief? He knew that his sisters would be devastated. He knew his dad would be broken. And yet, he STILL left us. Willingly. He wasn't taken by a physical disease or the victim of a terrible accident. My logical mind tells me that yes, he was sick, very sick, and he didn't want to do this - he felt hopeless and powerless and chose the only path he thought would bring him peace. However, it's not the logical part of me that was running the show today - it must have been there somewhere but the illogical side of me was definitely winning the battle.

That heavy cloak of depression descended upon me again. Like a weighted blanked. Not the kind that makes you feel safe and secure, but the kind of weight that makes you feel claustrophobic. I desperately wanted to get out from under it, but it was so heavy I couldn't. It felt like I could not take a deep breath, I began to panic. All I wanted to do was give in to it. I wanted so badly to run to my room, crawl in my bed, pull the covers up over my body and retreat into sleep. Sleep seems to be the only time I am not haunted by the images of how he did it and be reminded that he is gone. What an ugly word...GONE. So final. 

Then I started in on the self-talk. I told myself that it would not be healthy to give in to the urge to escape the pain. The only way I am going to survive this is if I embrace the grief and find a way to grow around it. I have fought for most of my life to stay. My mom made it clear to me that I had ruined her life, I was a mistake, I made everyone's life more difficult. She told me I was stupid, I couldn't do anything right, and that I would never amount to anything. These things really made me believe that everyone would be better off without me. God brought people into my life to counter her words and actions. People like Steve and Angie Shaw, Larry and Bonnie Mead, and my then boyfriend, Jim Mead. I remember being so puzzled because they seemed to love me and wanted to care for me. I really believed it could and would only last for a short time. Thankfully, I was wrong. But the greatest gift any of them gave me was sharing God's love with me. They planted the seed in my heart that maybe, just maybe, there was One who really did know and love me. Which in itself seems a contradiction...if you really know someone, all of them, the good, the bad, and the ugly, how can you really love that person? I didn't understand then that loving someone is a choice. God chooses to love us - to love me. It took a while for that to sink in, but thank God, it eventually did. 

The self talk continued...if I really do believe God loves me, if I really believe I am who God says I am - loved, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven - that God has good plans for me and He will not harm me then I can make it through this. Not in my own strength, that's for sure, but in my weakness His strength is complete and perfect. His mercies are new every morning. He will not leave me. He will give me a sound mind and He will help me identify the unhealthy thoughts and patterns I have been plagued with for most of my life. I cannot do it on my own, but, He is able. 

I realize that I am being incredibly vulnerable in these posts and only time will tell if that is a mistake or not, but for now I feel like I have to share these thoughts. I'm really not sure if it's more helpful to me or to someone else out there who might be having similar struggles. But, since I believe that God does not waste our pain I will continue to try to be honest and transparent as I walk this path.

As for my mom - as I have gotten older I have come to believe that my mom was filled with pain. Hurting people hurt people. I do not know what happened in her past to bring her such deep pain but the adult me believes she was a woman who suffered much, much trauma. I am no longer angry with my mom. My strongest emotion relating to my mom is sadness. I'm sad that she had been hurt so badly that she was so filled with bitterness and pain that it just bubbled up out of her. The resources for trauma and mental health that we have now were not available to her then. Speaking of which, it might be time for me to reach out to a counselor myself. Oh, that's right - my husband has already scheduled the appointment. He's pretty awesome that way - if you know him, you know he loves others very, very well. I thank God for him.