Return to Work

 Today was my first day back at work since this nightmare began. We had a 2 hour early release today so I just worked 6 hours. It was tough. There is a TON of stuff to get caught up on and it feels kind of like trying to dig out of a very deep hole. I am finding it hard to focus. I don't know how long this brain fog will last. I hope my bosses will continue to be patient with me as I try to get back on my feet. They have been so very understanding and accommodating and I appreciate it more than words can say. 

Being around people was weird too. I found that there were three primary responses to interacting with me today. Some people greeted me and talked with me and made zero reference to "it". Others seemed unable to have a conversation about anything other than "it".  And, finally, some tender-hearted, empathetic souls offered their condolences and their own tears as they shared in my grief. I just want to get this out there - it is okay to ask me about it, and it is okay not to ask me about it, and it's okay to cry with me and or for me. And if I begin to cry, please don't feel any pressure or expectation to say anything. There are no words that will fix this. Please feel free to be you and thank you for giving me the grace and space to be me...whoever that me is in the moment...it might be the sad me, the angry me, the confused me, the depressed me, or the anxious me. It helps to know you are there, present, and you care.

Last night was good and bad - a perfect example of the prickly pineapple. Being around the sweet kids was uplifting and brought a couple of smiles to my face. And then the memories came flooding back - Brendan as a leader-in-training, standing right there in that same game circle leading games for the younger children. My heart began aching so bad it felt like it might burst. As the night was wrapping up, I went out and sat in the car and cried. Jim came out after things ended and held my hand as he drove us home and let me cry. We were listening to Christmas music that usually makes me happy but remembering how much Brendan loved Christmas music made me so very sad. I wonder how long it is going to take for these things to bring more joy than they do sorrow. I guess the answer is it will take as long as it takes. And for someone like me, I despise that answer. It's hard for me to be intentionally present in the pain. I know it is necessary - I just don't want to do it because the pain is more than I could have ever imagined.

I've been speaking out loud to Brendan. Telling him I love him and I miss him. While I was doing that today, a thought popped into my mind - the thought that I still have an incredible husband, two beautiful daughters, a grandson and a granddaughter on the way. I also have a phenomenal son-in-law who is loving his grieving wife well and an unofficial son-in-law who has been loving and supportive to Maddy. I felt like the Lord nudged me and reminded me that I can grieve for Brendan while simultaneously remembering to focus on what I do still have. We have been blessed tremendously. I am sitting here typing this in the recliner next to where my husband is sitting - the husband who the medical providers say should have died almost 15 years ago. As I think back on that dark and scary time in our lives, that also took place during the holiday season, I remember feeling many of the same things I am experiencing now - confusion, frustration, fear, trouble concentrating, anger, sadness, pain, and the list could go on and on. But I also remember God calming my mind and heart and showing me that He is enough. He will always be enough. This whole thing came as a huge shock to me, knocked me off my feet, and took my breath away, but it did not come as a surprise to God. God has not promised to give me only what I can handle - that's a common misconception - He has said he will never leave or forsake me and that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. My weakness...I do not have a shortage of weakness. My body and my mind are weak. I have been shaken to my very core, but my foundation is built on Him. I might crumble and fall to pieces, and I have, and I know I will again, but He will NEVER fail, fall apart, or not know what to do.

When Jim had his stroke, I realized that in essence what had happened as far as a kingdom perspective is that God had made our circle of influence bigger. We now had more things in common with more people than ever before and this new experience would help us relate to them better and hopefully be used to strengthen our faith, their faith, and draw unbelievers to Jesus. For Jim, it was being able to connect with other stroke survivors, for me, it was being able to empathize with other caretakers and families where they are trying to manage their households, their finances, their children, aging parents, and the future. 

I also recall thinking that I did not sign up for this. I did not want my 38 year old husband to have a horrible stroke with very serious deficits; I didn't want my 7 yo, 10 yo, and 16 yo children to go through almost losing their dad (Brendan actually told me once that he felt like the dad he knew had died - I understand what he meant...there was nearly a year where the oxygen deprivation Jim had suffered impacted his emotions and the easy going man we all knew and loved was missing in action), navigating the many changes the situation brought (relocating, new jobs, new church...repeat), and seeing the palpable fear in their eyes when their dad would choke, get dizzy, stumble or fall and all of us were scared to death this was another stroke, but no one dared to utter the words out loud.

Well, I didn't sign up for this either. I do not want to be a member of this club. I do not want to be able to relate to other parents who've lost their child to suicide. I don't want Brendan's siblings to be able to empathize with other brothers and sisters all over the world who are experiencing the loss of a sibling to suicide. But, now I am beginning to ask myself this question: "What does God want me to do with this pain?" I don't know what the answer is yet, but I am going to ask Him to give me the courage to keep asking the question and for the strength to follow where He leads. 

And, in case you are wondering, my jury duty has been postponed. Thank you, Lord, for that.