11/7/23

 I can feel myself slipping into a depression. I know that once I start down that rabbit hole I will end up in a  not-so-good place. I am trying to be intentional about doing things so that won't happen. I realize that these things might seem very insignificant to some, but the energy it takes to accomplish the smallest tasks these days is shocking.

Today I woke up. I took a bath. I dressed. I ate. About the time I thought that's all I had in me and wanted to go to sleep again is when one of my girls and her son showed up. That visit was like someone throwing me a life preserver. While they were here I smiled, I laughed at my sweet grandson's antics, and felt pleasure watching my husband play with our sweet Theo. We shared a meal together and Shaylee and I visited a couple of stores. When Shaylee and Theo left I cried again as I felt suddenly afraid of letting them go. I remember when I stood outside and waved good-bye to my Brendan several weeks ago not having any idea it would be the last time I would ever see him. Is this what PTSD feels like? 

My own mind is driving me crazy. I wish I could make all the questions stop. I am constantly wondering why did he do this? Why did he do something that he knew would tear our hearts out? Why would someone so gifted, talented, and loved throw their life away? What was he thinking in those last moments? What if I would have called or texted him right before? Why did he tell me he was looking forward to the good schedule he had for November? Was he planning this for a long time? Was he just pretending when we talked and planned our future trips together? Did I not love him well enough? There are no answers. I know there will never be any answers but why won't my mind stop asking all these questions? 

Today was the scheduled day for the piano tuner to come. It was a bit awkward because we still have several boxes and totes of Brendan's things out in the living room to sort through. I heard Jim say something like "please excuse the disorganization as our son just passed away recently and we are still going through his things". I came down and met the gentleman and his kind eyes filled with tears as he shared with me that he had lost his infant son. I cried then too - for him and for myself.  The piano. This beautiful, upright piano is Brendan's - was Brendan's. When he went through a terrible break-up that started this past January and decided to move to Chicago so he wouldn't have the commute, he asked us if we would keep it for him until he found a place and had the room for it. I guess it's ours now. I'd rather not have it. I just want my sweet boy back. But, I do have it, and, since music was such a huge part of Brendan's life I am going to try to practice more and hopefully become more proficient and in doing so honor my son. 

I purchased a planner today. The reason is because I know I need to be intentional about setting goals each day or I will no doubt slip down into that ugly rabbit hole. I outlined some things that I will try to do daily - things like getting dressed (that might seem weird to you, but when you work from home 4 out of 5 days it can be tempting to live in your pajamas); spending time alone with God; getting in a minimum of 30 minutes of movement/activity each day; and eating nutritious food. I also made a list of what I might do when I am sad - things like listen to music, read, pray, walk, planning time with my hubby and girls, play the piano, and cuddle with my giant goldendoodle, Fozzy. Fozzy is so precious. I don't know if the word precious is the best way to describe an almost 90 pound dog that is tall enough to be mistaken for a small horse, but precious he is. He is gentle and loving and he absolutely demands my attention. He's a great distraction.

I'm trying...I really am trying even though my heart isn't in it. I remember telling a family member that the last thing I will ever get to do for my son is plan his funeral service and she quickly corrected me and told me that I will be doing something for Brendan every day of my life when I wake up each day and choose to live for him. I wish he would've stayed and lived for himself, for me, for his dad, and for his sisters, but I will do my very best to get up each day and live for him.


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