I'm a mess

 I woke up this morning to get ready for church and I was super disorganized. The women out there can probably relate. I couldn't decide on what to wear - this outfit made me feel like I looked fat, that outfit looked stupid, I didn't have the right shoes for the other ensemble - good gravy. And, to be honest, I was wondering why I even cared about it, but, for some reason I did. I was so frazzled that when I actually got to church and went to take off my coat, I noticed I had it on inside out. Fabulous. It was just that kind of morning.

Tonight we went back to our bowling league - the first time since "it" happened. I was sitting there tonight thinking that the last time we were at bowling I am pretty sure I was texting with Brendan. Goodness, how I wish I could have texted/chatted with him tonight. It's also weird seeing different groups of people for the first time since, you know, "it" happened. You kind of feel like you are on display - not that anyone is trying to make you feel that way, you just do. 

Bowling was fun. I actually bowled two pretty good games for me. I'm definitely not a gifted bowler. The prickly part of tonight was watching a gal whose son bowls on the same team interacting together. You could tell they enjoy being around one another, they were smiling and goofing off. I always enjoy seeing families enjoying time together, but tonight it stung some too. Because I will never, ever again be able to joke around with my son. I have felt his arms hug my neck and hold me close for the last time. I have told him I love him for the final time. I have heard him make fun of me for the last time - and, yes, he made fun of me quite a bit. I usually set myself up and his quick wit would immediately come up with some funny and/or sarcastic comment. I know that I have to keep moving forward, and eventually watching other folks interact with their loved ones should hurt a little less. At least I hope that's true.

Tomorrow I will start my first full work week since I lost my Brendan. Perhaps getting back into a regular routine of work will help with the healing. I hope so. Right now, my goal for tomorrow is to wake up, eat nutritious food, make it through 8 hours of work and attend a bereavement support group tomorrow night. It will be a big day for me - another step toward healing. 

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