Holidays, Heartbreak, Hospitals, and Hope

 It has been a whirlwind of activity these last 5 days. I've already shared about our Thanksgiving day which was great. The day after Thanksgiving we were able to attend the Nebraska game. It was a fun game to watch. The outcome could have been better. :-) Then comes Saturday.

It started off as a typical Saturday. Jim and I went to our favorite coffee shop and walked around a few shops in Jefferson. That afternoon our oldest daughter called and asked us if we could keep Theo overnight. She hadn't been feeling well, thought her asthma was acting up, and wanted to go to the ER and then get some good rest after she got home. We were planning to go to an event in Huxley that night so we told her we'd come watch Theo while she was at the ER so her husband could go work his evening shift. 

She got to the ER and learned that it was not her asthma at all - the problem was that she was experiencing shortness of breath because she had developed pre-eclampsia again. I have some experience with pre-eclampsia. I know to watch for symptoms like excessive swelling, elevated blood pressure, a headache that won't go away, pain in your upper right quadrant, protein in the urine, etc. I had no idea that shortness of breath could also be a symptom of pre-eclampsia. So, that quick trip to the ER turned into delivery of a beautiful 6 lb, 6 oz, 19" long baby girl. She has a lovely name - Elena Brielle. She was born at 35 weeks, 6 days gestation. She had a little trouble breathing initially and that got her a ticket to the NICU. She seems to be quite the contented little lady and loves to cuddle with her mommy and daddy. She isn't interested in learning to eat yet, but we know that will come in time. She is the most amazing gift. So thankful that my girl and her girl are doing well.

Stress comes in several forms. In the last 5 weeks we have experienced emotional, mental, physical, and financial stress. We can now add happy stress to that list. The arrival of a newborn baby is a wonderful event as well as a stressful one. This is where the happy stress comes in. I am finding that the common denominator among all these types of stress is exhaustion. There has been a handful of times in my life that I have been this kind of tired. The kind of tired that makes my mind and body weak. It sometimes makes it impossible to put thoughts into words. The kind of tired that no amount of rest seems to help. I feel like I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion. I recognized that I had reached my limit yesterday evening. I was not able to go to work today. It's not easy to admit to yourself, let alone your boss, that you just can't...can't think clearly, can't stay focused on a task, can't get your heart rate to settle down, can't will yourself to be okay. I am hoping that I can sleep tonight and wake up rested enough to be able to have a productive day. I'm not sure I know what a productive day would look like anymore. I used to know, but now a productive day might just mean showering and dressing. It's so strange how stress and grief can nearly incapacitate a person. If I were suffering from a physical ailment, the doctors would be able to tell me a probable timeline for my recovery. But there is no timeline for this. I think the most difficult part for me is that I'll have a day where I feel like I'm starting to feel a bit better and then the next day I wake up and feel like I've taken 3 steps backwards. It kind of feels like I'm in this deep pit with steep sides. I can make progress trying to climb out of it, but I will always slip and fall back to the bottom. I feel like I am constantly starting over. It would be so much nicer if I could see only forward progress...but that's just not the way this works.

I am wondering if the cause of my most recent slip back down in the pit is due to the arrival of our precious granddaughter. I know that sounds strange, I think it is strange, but I think I know why that blessed event might have been the catalyst for the downward spiral I am fighting against right now. The last time my daughter was expecting a baby she became very, very ill. She developed something called HELLP syndrome. I called her sister and her brother and told them what was going on and asked them to pray. I recall Brendan asking me in a panicked voice if she was going to be okay. He was in Hawaii at the time and was trying to figure out how quickly he could get home to be with her. When I received the news this time that she was once again experiencing a complication I called her sister and then without thinking I started to call her brother. And then I remembered. And then the pain began again - it feels almost as raw as it did the evening of October 21st when the detective from the Chicago PD called us with the horrible news. Is every event from now on going to be tainted by Brendan's death? I'm afraid the answer is yes. That frightens me. I don't know how long I can continue to keep digging up the energy to try to keep climbing out of the pit and experiencing the defeat as I once again slip back down. I don't want to live in this pit. The pit is dark, cold, and lonely. I can see light and life up above and I want to be there, but I don't have the strength to get there. And then I remember that Jesus said His strength is perfect in my weakness. I guess I don't have to climb out on my own after all. I know the pit will always be there - it is huge and it has forever changed our landscape. I can't get rid of it but hopefully I can learn to accept its existence and learn how to live above it. 

I feel bad that this post is not very uplifting - it's actually rather depressing, but it's my current reality as far as my feelings go. I tell my kids ALL THE TIME that feelings are not facts. I need to fact check my situation a bit. Is there a pit? Yes. Do I feel alone? Yes. Am I alone? No. Do I feel worthy of love at this moment? No. Am I loved? Yes. Is my pain seering? Yes. Do I bear it alone? No. Am I happy? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. When I think of Jim, my girls, my grandchildren...yes! When I think of my Brendan no longer being here with us? No. Is it possible to have joy in deep sorrow? Yes. Are these negative thoughts coming from Jesus? Absolutely not. Where are they coming from? From the great Deceiver. God cannot lie. He IS truth. If He says I am loved, I am loved. If He says He has good plans for me, He has good plans for me. He also said that while we are in this broken world we will have tribulation, but, we are to be of good cheer. Why? Because He has overcome the world! An expression I use with my kids comes to mind and I like to think God is speaking this to me right now..."Chin up, Buttercup!" The pit IS big. But my God is bigger. I can choose my focus. I am going to choose not to focus on the pit. I am going to choose to focus on the Light of the World. 

One final thought tonight from this muddled mind of mine. If God created me, and I know He did, He can heal me, right? He is the Great Physician. He is the mender of broken hearts. I cannot change my feelings on my own, but He can. He created us with all our emotions and He understands them. He is able to be trusted with them. I want to cuddle up in God's hand like I saw Elena cuddle up against her mom today. As soon as she was placed on her mom's chest and recognized her mom's heartbeat, she settled right down and enjoyed the sleep of one with no cares in the world. I know that God loves us even more than a mother loves a child and a mother's love is fierce and unending. My mind has a hard time grasping the fact that God's love for His children is greater. That great love will draw me out of this pit and God has blessed me with not one, but two precious grandchildren to fill my heart and my arms. I am so very grateful for my Jim and my girls. Interesting - I no longer feel like I'm standing in the bottom of that pit. Gratitude is powerful. I'm on my way up! Again. As many times as it takes. For as long as it takes.