Difficult Day

 Today was hard. I think it would help if I had a reason for why it was so hard, but I do not. The weight of the sadness that is covering me today is so very, very heavy. It even feels like I can't take a deep breath. My anxiety must be busting out the top of the meter. 

I made it through most of my work day. I was one hour short of completing a full day. Sometime around lunch I began to feel super duper depressed. I tried to rest over lunch but it did not help. I wrapped up a couple things I had been working on and signed off for the day. Tonight I went to the visitation for the father of one of my former co-workers. I am so very sorry for her loss. Her dad lived a long, full life and that is a huge blessing. But that doesn't take away the pain. And, it is a really sucky time of year to lose someone you love. 

A sweet lady posted today about her cozy home and how much she enjoyed her time spent in her festively decorated office along with time spent with loved ones. It brought a warm, fuzzy feeling to my heart and a quick smile to my face. In the very moment I was feeling happy for this gal, I felt that all too familiar knife-like pain in my chest as I thought again of the reality that my cozy home and Christmas will be very different than it was last year. Brendan not being with us is the ugly part of my new reality. But, there is another reason it will be different. I am praying that our sweet, beautiful granddaughter, Elena Brielle, will gain strength and endurance and bust herself out of NICU before we have our family celebration. That precious little girl will bring a light to our home and lives. She represents hope, love, light, and joy. I saw a meme on Facebook or Meta or whatever it's called now that depicted several lit taper candles with one of the wicks of the candles not burning - the light had gone out. A person whose wick was still lit took their light and shared it with the person who had no way to light their candle again. I can relate to this. My light had not gone out completely - how can it when Jesus is THE light and He lives within me? My light had just become a bit dim from the winds and waves of grief. The arrival of Elena has made that light grow again. She is part of our new normal. 

There are two new and special ornaments on the tree this year. One is a picture of Brendan with a lovely message. The other is a Baby's First Christmas for Elena. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. I feel like someone might read this and think that God did not take Brendan away, that Brendan chose to leave. It is true that Brendan died from his own actions. I know for a fact that Brendan didn't want to do this. He had called the suicide hotline many, many times. He had several professional counselors he was seeing. He had apps on his phone that would send encouraging messages throughout the day. He called his dad and I often and talked through his feelings. But, then. The pain became so overwhelming he lost hope. His light had gone very dim and the confusing messages of this world and one very ugly individual snuffed out his light. 

Be anchored in Jesus so you have the ability to share your light. You can do that in so many ways. A smile, praying for someone, meeting a need, a hug, a kind note, a text, a phone call, a gift card, a shared cup of coffee, etc. 

So many of you have generously shared your light with our family. You have made our world brighter as we struggle through the pain and sorrow to see that light. It helps. It's appreciated more than you will ever know. It helps us focus on all the good things our lives are filled with rather than on the things that threaten to snuff out the light. Thank you! God bless you.