This is hard

 I'm not sure where to start or what to type. I think this post might be all over the place because that's how I've been feeling. For the past 3+ months I've again been experiencing the brain fog, finding it hard to focus, forgetting things, struggling with every day tasks such as talking with others and staying engaged in the conversation, following through and following up with others. It's sort of like I can almost see myself turning inward again. 

I tend to be a friendly person - too much so my girls might say. I talk to everyone and have an abundance of empathy for others. I'm the kind of person who is normally watching out for the disconnected person in the room - trying to make sure everyone feels included. Which is weird because the majority of the time I feel like I am the awkward one on the outside looking in. I think maybe that's why I am so sensitive when I see it in others. I want people to know they are valued, to know they matter, to know they are worth it. I try to make eye contact to really "see" how someone is doing - not just hear the words they speak. This is who I am. Or was. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that I've described the person who I want to be again. It's definitely not who I am right now. 

The other day I was leaving a restaurant and had a small panic attack. I was completely overwhelmed when I saw the group of people waiting for tables inside the front doors. My head started to pound, my body got super hot, and I was sick to my stomach. I've also been edgy - not the cool, trendy kind of edgy either. The aggravated, frustrated, quick-tempered kind. For goodness sake, I got angry, legit angry, at a co-worker in the office because when they sat down on a chair cushion it made an annoying sound. Every. single. time. Seriously. What did I expect that person to do? They are just sitting down for Pete's sake! Who is Pete anyway and how did that expression come about???? 

I'm not a fan of this version of myself. Since I am an over-thinker I then began to analyze why I am so edgy, what is causing me to be easily annoyed, why I feel like cutting people off mid-sentence because I just need one piece of information from them and have absolutely no patience to hear anything but the facts of the situation. I do not have a poker face either, so when I am irked it shows. Is it menopause? I have heard menopause can be much like puberty and I remember raising three teenagers. It wasn't pretty. Or is it grief? Or it is the new, not improved me? So I asked the therapist. I was  honest and told her the ugly facts. She told me I am exhibiting signs of being completely overwhelmed. That it is taking every bit of capacity I have to meet my minimum responsibilities and there is just no room for anything or anyone else. She gave me some ideas on how I might be able to cope better and thoughts on how to set some boundaries, hopefully temporary ones, until I can get this anxiety back under control. As I have been thinking over what we talked about I have begun to identify what I think the real problem might be. 

To get straight to the point...I'm angry. Not really angry at my co-worker and their deflating chair cushion and not really angry at the over-sharers in my life. If you know you know. I am angry because I cannot have what I really, really want. I want a world without suicide. I want for no one to ever again find someone they care about has chosen death over life. I want for no one to ever again feel like they didn't do enough. I don't want anyone to wonder "What if....". I don't want any mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, grandparent, friend, teammate, teacher or coach to receive the news that the unthinkable has happened in their family or circle. I want the clock turned back so I can pick up on the things I missed. I want do-overs. I want to fix the mistakes I made when raising my kids. I want to have a second chance to do better, to be better. I want to go back and be more intentional about listening instead of hearing, I want the opportunity to sit in silence as I listen to their heartache, picking up on the words they are saying and those they aren't, rather than half-listening to them while I'm trying to come up with what I am going to say in response. So, this is one layer of the onion I've peeled back...I have much regret. I have guilt. I am full of sadness. 

The next layer being peeled back stings a bit more. I'm angry because I am having trouble remembering what his hugs felt like. I can't remember some of the funny things he would say. I can't remember where we went to supper together before seeing Wicked. I can't remember which waterfall he hiked to in Hawaii. I can't remember exactly what his laugh sounded like. I can't remember the last song he played on the piano in my living room. I can't remember what his voice sounded like when he sang along with the Disney songs. I'm angry that he's been gone for a whole year now. How can that be? How is it possible that I haven't touched, talked to, listened to, laughed with, texted, or had a video chat with my son in over a year? I'm angry that it feels even more real than it ever has before. I'm angry that Theo and Elena have an Uncle Brendon on the other side of the family, but they will never remember/know my Brendan. How can a mom forget these things? What kind of mom forgets these things? I'm trying to remember what it felt like when I would run my hand through his thick hair. All these memories are fading and in this case it's ONLY BEEN A YEAR. My memory won't improve...more and more things will be forgotten. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him over and over again as my mind fails to recall. 

I'm also angry that I'm so sad all the time. I feel joy when the kids and their families are here but I feel such a sense of loss and loneliness when they leave. It's a bit cruel, I think. I have something to look forward to to keep me going and then when the event is over and the kids go home the emptiness feels like it will crush me. 

I am sorry this post is dark and heavy. I want to be hopeful and joyful, but I'm not right now. This is me. For now. This is the me who is majorly struggling this holiday season. This is the sad lady who finds it hard to take deep breaths and wakes up around 2:30 every morning. This is the mom who is deeply grateful for her family and consumed with the pain of the child who is no more. I am also angry that I have been cheated out of a life of knowing my son as a grown up man with graying hair and helping out his feeble old parents. Wasn't that the deal? We raise him, we get through all the puberty and young adult crap and the reward for that is getting to know him as an adult as we all age together. We held up our end of the deal and he didn't. Part of me is mad about that and yet I wouldn't want him back suffering like he was. 

I am not normally an angry person. I don't want to be an angry person. Sometimes I am able to pray and talk to the Lord about it and sometimes I'm not. God's love for me is unconditional and I am so very thankful for that. I know that He doesn't give up on me on the hard days when I can't seem to see hope. I know that He won't leave me alone even when I can't feel Him. I know that His love is lasting and He understands all these crazy emotions I'm experiencing. I know He'll carry me through when I am unable to stand under the weight of it all. 

I know I can't stop bad things from happening. I know people will continue to die by suicide. I know people will be overwhelmed and struggle to see themselves as God sees them. But there are some things I can do. I recently did the ASIST training for suicide prevention/intervention sponsored by The Red Shirt Foundation. I have a few more tools to help others who are having a hard time finding a reason to choose life. I can be a better listener. I am learning to be okay with sitting in silence when people just need my presence and not my advice. I am learning to acknowledge my sadness and pain and give it the attention it deserves and choose to not let myself get stuck there. There is a time and place for everything. This is a sad season for me, but the thing about seasons is that they change. This is the winter for my soul, but I know that spring is next in line. I'm asking God to show me the beauty in this winter season and to give me the courage and ability to keep peeling back the layers so they can be worked through. Things seem less scary when when I stop ignoring them and get them out in the open. It's exhausting work, but it doesn't all have to be done at one time.  

I have no idea who might read this but please know that I am here to help. You are not alone.