Learning to Lean...In

 My last 6 weeks or so have been rough and ugly. Anxiety got WAY out of control. The things I wanted to think on, uplifting things, I couldn't seem to dwell on. But I had zero problem obsessing over the things that brought pain. The scary thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone. Like, what were Brendan's last moments like? The images that kept scrolling across my mind were gruesome and the horror they conjured up about pushed me over the edge. 

It's crazy to me that I know that I know that I know that the battle is ALWAYS in the mind. Satan knows exactly how to hurt me and I know what the solution is but I still kept falling further and further into that pit that I despise. That pit and I have spent far too much time getting to know each other. Enough is enough. 

I listened to a message by Tom Messer with my hubby the other night as we were driving to and from a bereavement group he is trying to get going in Perry, IA. The title was something like, Finding Joy in Sorrow. The text was mainly about the life of Hannah. Hannah longed for a child and her ancient, mean sister wife mocked and ridiculed her. Hannah's husband loved her more than the other wife he had taken, but the other wife had something Hannah did not. Children. At some point Hannah poured out her sorrow to the Lord. She prayed - earnestly, fervently, relentlessly. She made a decision. She knew she could not continue on as she was. She decided she would not continue on as she was. Pastor Messer brought out so many awesome points. No one could be responsible for Hannah's happiness. Not her husband, not even herself. Happiness is based on our happenings. But there was something Hannah could do. She could pray. She could clearly bring her requests to the Lord. She could leave them with Him. And in doing so she could have peace. When Hannah was done praying her situation had not changed, but her heart had. She decided she could be, and would choose to be, content in whatever situation she was in. If the Lord granted her request and opened her womb so she could bear children she would be content. If the Lord did not open her womb and she never had a child she could find contentment. Keeping Hannah's situation in mind, Pastor Messer brought out the point that Christians today often function this way: Pray > Pregnancy > Peace. Hannah chose a different path: Pray > Peace > Pregnancy. 

Paul also referenced this whole contentment thing in the New Testament. In Philippians 4 there is a well-known verse (#13) where Paul says he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. I've heard that verse quoted in so many different situations. But when Paul said this he was in prison. Probably chained to a guard. Think about it - he was in prison. Paul wasn't waiting for his situation to change to be content. This really speaks to me. It is possible for me to find peace - to be content - in my new life without Brendan. If I pull away all the layers of the onion, so to speak, I am left with two choices. Choice #1: continue wading in these deep waters of grief and be unwilling to believe God that I can have His peace and the contentment that only He can bring in my new life without Brendan. Choice #2: believe God, lean in to Him, wrap myself around His heart, experience His peace right now, and know that He is where the joy is (as Tara Leigh Cobble would say). 

Another thing that happened two weeks ago that kind of smacked me upside the head. I already mentioned the horrific images that have been scrolling through my mind without my permission. I was having a particularly bad day on a Thursday. I have a Christian suicide survivor support group that I attend virtually on Thursday evenings. My day had been so awful that I wasn't going to join the call that night and about 15 minutes after the group had started I changed my mind and joined the call. Guess what they were talking about right at that moment? Thoughts. Those terrifying thoughts that you can't seem to make go away no matter how hard you want them to. It reminded me of when Paul was sharing how frustrated he would get because he found himself doing (or you could say thinking) the things he didn't want to do and NOT doing (or thinking) the things he did want to do. This is not a new struggle, for sure. I tearfully shared with the group what I had been going through and something really neat happened. A new lady in the group who had also lost her son to suicide by hanging shared what God had done for her. She had been where I was/am and she asked God to give her a new image to replace the nightmarish one. And God being God, He did. I can't exactly remember all the details of what she shared (I was ugly crying by then and concentrating on not letting out those embarrassing sobs and trying not to let my face contort into something that would scar the others on the call) but I was able to grasp her point. I got off the call and sat there for awhile processing all that had been said. And then I made a decision. If God did it for her, I believed He would do it for me. He loves His children and all good fathers hurt when their children hurt and want their children to come to them with their burdens and requests, right? So I did. In the next paragraph I am going to share the details of the awful images I had been dealing with and the re-framed images God gave me. The next portion might be really hard to read for some, but this is my reality. I am choosing not to stuff my feelings and thoughts down anymore and am wanting to help others who might be in a very dark place as well. If you don't want to know the details please stop here and DO NOT READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. 

Brendan died by hanging. He used an electrical cord. He tied it to an exposed pipe in his roommate's room - the only exposed pipe in the apartment. The absolutely terrible images that have been scrolling across my mind like watching a horror movie showed my sweet boy standing on a chair or stool, reaching up with those hands that used to hold mine and tying one end of that yellow cord around that damn pipe and the other around his beautiful neck. I see him crying, his face contorted with agony. I can almost feel his tears on my face right now but I know the liquid on my face is mine, not his. I see him taking a few deep, shuddering, shallow breaths and stepping off that chair or stool. I see the cord bouncing, swaying, and stilling. I wondered if He died immediately or struggled alone. I wondered if he wished he hadn't done it. I wondered if he pulled at the cord trying to loosen it before it was too late. I wondered if he didn't. I see the drawing down of his face and his skin changing to a dusky color. I see his head at a strange angle. I see his lips dry and cracked as he is suspended there, waiting to be found. This "video" WOULD. NOT. STOP.      I thought I might be going crazy. I'm being serious. I actually thought this must be what happens when a person starts to lose their mind. I even began to feel somewhat of what I think Brendan must have felt - that it is just too painful to go on.

So, I asked God to give me a new image. When Satan presses "play" and that video starts I call out to God and ask Him to play the new "video" He gave me and this is what I see now. I see everything exactly the same up until the point Brendan steps off that chair or stool and then as he is falling and coming to the end of the length of that cord I see Him caught. I see Jesus breaking His fall and scooping him up directly into His arms. His face is instantly relaxed, there is a genuine smile that reaches his eyes, and He is finally at perfect peace. Then the audio suddenly begins on the video and I hear His voice joining the voices of so many others in perfect harmony worshiping our Lord. And I feel peace. I no longer feel like I am going to vomit. My head stops pounding. I finally understand that I can be sad - sad that we are separated for this time - and I can be content as I live the best life God has for me until it is my time to leave this world of struggle and experience exactly what Brendan did the moment He left this world. Thank you, suicide support group, Paul, Jim, Pastor Messer, and God for bringing these truths to the surface so that I may know hope. In my darkest moments I have not wanted to die, I just haven't wanted to live with this searing pain. I didn't know I could find peace/contentment in the midst of my sorrow. I guess I knew in my head but it wasn't connecting the truth of that message to my heart. 

I think part of what brought me to such a low point was my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's Day all in a short time. I tried to avoid the feelings. The therapist told me that the healthy thing to do is to feel all the feels, lean in to the emotions, just let them be, don't try to push them away. She told me to remember what a privilege (and struggle it was at times) :-) to be Brendan's mom for 31 years. One of my girls gave me a pretty notebook and some pens. I am using that to record the good, the bad, and my accomplishments for the day to give myself a way to be sure I am being real with myself. I can't pretend that the bad stuff isn't happening just like I can't dismiss the good things that are happening. I don't need to try to make more or less of anything or try to add a positive or negative spin. I just need to lean in. Lean into the emotions, lean into Jesus, and lean on His promises. 

Suicide is not God's plan. I know there are folks that believe if a person takes their own life that they are doomed to hell. If Brendan had died in a car accident or from a terminal illness no one would ever think those things, but because he died from a diseased brain that led him to take this step some do believe that. I do not. The God I know, and whom I am getting to know better along the way, is a God full of compassion, love, and forgiveness. Over and over and over again He offers mercy to His children. I'm so glad He doesn't give up on us. Someone recently told me that what I am experiencing is the walking out of 1 Corinthians 4:7. I think that's true. The horrible events that have broken me into millions of piecee are driving me to want all people to know that life is short and there is nothing more important than your relationship with Him. You need Him and He wants you. There is only peace, joy, contentment, forgiveness, and purpose in Jesus. He's the way, the truth, the life. He's the answer, no matter the question. I pray that you know Him, I pray that you want to know Him more, I pray that you dive into your relationship with Him, I pray that you ask Him to give you a new picture, a new video, a new whatever you need to replace whatever ugly you have experienced. He'll do it - I know He will.