The Prickly Pineapple

 Tomorrow ushers in a new year. Another thing that I can't stop from happening and don't want to do without you. I think if I could gather up all my grief, put it in a box, seal it up, and leave it in 2023 I would. But that feels disloyal to you in some way - like I'd be choosing to leave you behind. In reality, you chose to leave me behind. It seems unfair that I can't compartmentalize my grief and choose to leave all the pain behind. Because I loved you so much and love you still I am unable to do that. Grief just doesn't work that way. It's like once you became a part of my body, living in my womb, our hearts and souls became knit together and it is impossible to separate your life from mine. Sometimes when I sit quietly and think of you I can remember how it felt when your tiny feet kicked inside of me, when you would roll across my belly, and when you would stretch. You made me a mom. You have been a part of me since 1991 and you will remain a part of me un...

 The first Christmas "since" is all wrapped up. It has been a very long and busy week. There have been highs and lows. It seems kind of strange when I think back on the week that the highs and lows took place at the same events in the same time space.  The Family Christmas Program at our church was held on Sunday, December 17th. It was wonderful to fill the bags that would hold peanuts, apples, oranges, and way too much candy to be passed out to the kids of all ages following the service. It was delightful to celebrate the birth of our Savior with our church family. We were gifted with being able to see great folks who used to attend our church many years ago. We were blessed with being able to give and receive hugs and the Lord showed His love to us through the generosity of the gifts the people of the church blessed us with. We heard beautiful readings, songs, a children's story, and testimonies of God's goodness and faithfulness. We laughed, we cried, and had choco...

 Today marks two months since receiving the phone call that shattered my heart. I am wondering if how I am feeling, both emotionally and physical, is normal. I do not know what I am supposed to feel like or what I should be doing or not doing, For instance, why can't I sleep again? I couldn't sleep when it first happened and then I began to sleep better as I got a handle on my anxiety and now I am really struggling to sleep again - even with the help of medication that typically zonks me out. I miss sleep. It is NOT overrated. My body continues to show signs of the stress it is carrying. Today is day four of a headache that just won't quit. It has varied in intensity and sometimes it makes me nauseous. The GI symptoms continue - no need to elaborate there. My guess is that these things are due to my anxiety sky-rocketing again. Maybe it's because we are drawing so near to Christmas. Maybe that has nothing to do it. I really don't know. I took a couple days off work ...

 I had a therapy appointment today with a new therapist. She shared some information I had not heard before. As I shared with her some of the details related to Brendan's death she listened respectfully, took notes, and provided excellent insight, in my opinion. Jim and I had wondered, based on some of the things we had learned from Brendan's private writings, if he had maybe experienced a break from reality. The therapist said she thinks it is a very likely probability that he had. She said that these types of things typically first occur when the person is in their mid to late 20's/early 30's. Brendan was 31. The first really serious event that caused me great worry occurred when he was in his mid 20's. She went on to tell me that when the brain of an individual is "primed" for a psychotic break that it usually comes on very quickly. She said 99% of individuals who experience this require hospitalization and serious treatment to come out of it. She said ...

 Today was hard. I think it would help if I had a reason for why it was so hard, but I do not. The weight of the sadness that is covering me today is so very, very heavy. It even feels like I can't take a deep breath. My anxiety must be busting out the top of the meter.  I made it through most of my work day. I was one hour short of completing a full day. Sometime around lunch I began to feel super duper depressed. I tried to rest over lunch but it did not help. I wrapped up a couple things I had been working on and signed off for the day. Tonight I went to the visitation for the father of one of my former co-workers. I am so very sorry for her loss. Her dad lived a long, full life and that is a huge blessing. But that doesn't take away the pain. And, it is a really sucky time of year to lose someone you love.  A sweet lady posted today about her cozy home and how much she enjoyed her time spent in her festively decorated office along with time spent with loved ones. It b...

 Following Brendan's suicide, we received literature via mail from kind and helpful people. I finally read one of the booklets today. It is SOOOOO good. Some of the thoughts shared in the booklet define my feelings exactly. If you are interested in hearing some of them, please keep reading. This booklet is authored by Lois A. Bloom. It's titled Mourning After Suicide. I feel like much of this lady's story is my story. Her and her family communicated well with their kiddos, they taught church school, worked with the youth, served on church boards and attended church on a regular basis as a family. If you know me, you will recognize the similarities. This lady also lost her son to suicide. Her son was good-looking, bright, ambitious, caring, and had a mental illness. More similarities.  We also share some of the same questions: Why did this happen? What should I or could I have done? What was so terrible in our son's life that he felt the need to end his life? Questions I...

 I attended church this morning and listened to my favorite pastor bring the message. He was talking about Mary, the mother of Christ and brought out a couple of things I had not really grasped before. He also shared things that are familiar to me - things like from the moment Mary found out she was expecting Jesus, her life became complicated. How her intended husband initially wanted to put an end to their betrothal as his assumption was that Mary had been unfaithful to him. Wouldn't most men have thought that?  How Mary likely experienced great agony and anxiety as she waited for Joseph's decision. Thankfully, he believed God and trusted His plan for their life together.  That got me to thinking about how difficult it would have been to try to be the mother of the very son of God. Can you imagine? He knows more than you, he never sins (and you do), he is wise beyond His physical years, and He doesn't need you to help Him figure out His strengths and weaknesses and help...