Insightful Session

 I had a therapy appointment today with a new therapist. She shared some information I had not heard before. As I shared with her some of the details related to Brendan's death she listened respectfully, took notes, and provided excellent insight, in my opinion.

Jim and I had wondered, based on some of the things we had learned from Brendan's private writings, if he had maybe experienced a break from reality. The therapist said she thinks it is a very likely probability that he had. She said that these types of things typically first occur when the person is in their mid to late 20's/early 30's. Brendan was 31. The first really serious event that caused me great worry occurred when he was in his mid 20's. She went on to tell me that when the brain of an individual is "primed" for a psychotic break that it usually comes on very quickly. She said 99% of individuals who experience this require hospitalization and serious treatment to come out of it. She said the break occurs and the person begins to look for signs that reinforce the delusion they have created. They "read into" things to support the delusion. She also said that the thinking that is in place while they are living in the midst of their delusion is illogical. She told me that even if we had known what was going on inside his precious mind and tried to counter the delusion he likely would not have believed us. She said that what normally happens is that the suffering person thinks that anything people tell them that contradicts the delusion is a lie. Oh, my poor, sweet Brendan. I cannot imagine how horrible it must have been for you. You couldn't trust your own mind. Your thoughts were chaotic and disorganized. You were living in torment. My heart hurts so badly for you, son. 

It was a very emotional session for me. I couldn't work much more after that appointment. My head hurt so bad, I became dizzy, I struggled to focus, and I just wanted to sleep. When I did give in to the urge to lay down and sleep my mind wouldn't shut off. I am so very tired. But, there is no way I am in as much agony as my beautiful Brendan was. 

I had another appointment after that one and I was sharing some of my current symptoms with her. She told me that the amount of stress I am under is keeping my brain in the fight or flight mode. I guess that makes sense. I hadn't thought about it like that. She said I need to try to be present in each moment, feel the emotions rather than fight against them, follow the cues my body is sending me...i.e. sleep more if I'm exhausted, remember to eat, work when I can for as long as my body is able to and when my heart rate rises, my head starts pounding, the dizziness comes back, and the GI symptoms start I should wrap things up for a bit. It is really, really hard to follow that advice. I know it is good advice, but I have been raised to "push through", "fake it til you make it", "pull myself up by my boot straps" "get over it". These philosophies are in direct opposition to each other. I told the doctor that I wish grief was linear. Like, I made it through the first stage and moved on to the second and I DO NOT WANT to cycle back through it again. However, grief is fluid. It has its own timeline that does not line up with mine. She assured me that I will get there - to where I want to be. I will eventually have less bad days than good days. I will require less self-care down the road than I do right now IF I listen to my body now, that is. If I don't, she says it will actually extend the journey. The journey...it's strange. This is a journey that will not ever end until I draw my last breath on earth. This journey doesn't have a destination. It will just become more manageable with time. I am going to have to take her word for it because I certainly do not feel like it will ever get better than it is right now and that feeling brings a sense of hopelessness and despair. I know that I cannot get "stuck" here. I can stay in this place for awhile, I NEED to stay in this place for awhile...but the therapist said to be sure I don't let this grief become quicksand and allow it to keep where I am. She said she is going to help me find resources and give me ideas that will help me move forward on this journey. 

I really liked this therapist. I felt like she gets it, gets me. I meet with her again in 2 weeks. She's given me a lot to think on in that time. I am so very thankful for mental health professionals, physicians, and nurses who choose to come alongside us in the hardest moments of our lives. It takes special people to sit with someone in their grief and to be a support for them as they work through their ever-changing emotions. You all are amazing - thank you for being my grief companions.