Survivors of Suicide

 Following Brendan's suicide, we received literature via mail from kind and helpful people. I finally read one of the booklets today. It is SOOOOO good. Some of the thoughts shared in the booklet define my feelings exactly. If you are interested in hearing some of them, please keep reading.

This booklet is authored by Lois A. Bloom. It's titled Mourning After Suicide. I feel like much of this lady's story is my story. Her and her family communicated well with their kiddos, they taught church school, worked with the youth, served on church boards and attended church on a regular basis as a family. If you know me, you will recognize the similarities. This lady also lost her son to suicide. Her son was good-looking, bright, ambitious, caring, and had a mental illness. More similarities. 

We also share some of the same questions: Why did this happen? What should I or could I have done? What was so terrible in our son's life that he felt the need to end his life? Questions I have been asked by others: Where was God? Has God forgiven and accepted our son?

One of the things that I am having a lot of trouble coming to grips with is the fact that I DID know the warning signs for suicide and I missed them. Dr. Paul G. Quinnett says, "It is well known that many suicidal people feel a wonderful sense of relief once they finally decide to kill themselves. When their life-and-death struggle in the jury of their minds ended, and, with the fatal verdict in, their tribulations are now behind them." Yep, I knew that. However, I was thrown off when Brendan started showing improvement. I knew better...why didn't I pick up on this? Answer: I had Covid for the third time the week he took his own life. I didn't feel well. I wasn't paying close enough attention. These facts haunt me.

Another thought shared struck me hard. "I believe that the person who commits suicide puts his psychological skeleton in the survivor's emotional closet - he sentences the survivor to deal with many negative feelings, and more, to become obsessed with thoughts regarding his own actual or possible role in having precipitated the suicidal act or having failed to abort it." - Dr. Edwin Shneidman. 

Why is this mourning process so freaking hard? Lois writes that "suicide presents a much more complex mourning period than when a natural or accidental death occurs"..."confronting each shared experience that you had with the deceased is extremely difficult - it takes time and energy". Is this why I am so exhausted all the time? Could this be why I have a lot of trouble focusing, remembering, and functioning?

I hate my new reality. The reality is this. Brendan is dead. My life will never be the same. He is never coming back. I will never again hear him call out, "Hey, mom, I'm home. Where are you?" I'll never get that longed-for hug from him again. I'll never again see his beautiful smile. I'll never hear him play the piano, sing, or make hilarious comments EVER AGAIN. No matter how much I try not to think about this new reality, not thinking about it does not change it. It's here to stay. But I long for BBD (before Brendan died). That's where I want to exist. If all that crap were true about being able to manifest your own reality, then, trust me, Brendan would be here with us. And, yes, Brendan had expressed a change in his philosophy - another huge red flag. Anyway, if I could have him here just by willing it to be so,  you would find us chatting, hugging, and enjoying music together. My kitchen would smell like gingersnaps because those were his favorite and I LOVED making them for him. Sadly, that will never be my reality - never ever again.

Lois says "the mourning period is a time of convalescence when you face all those feelings that come to the surface". Convalescence defined: a gradual return to health and strength after an illness. If only society considered the mourning period as an illness...but we don't. Why not? She goes on to ask 'what does getting back to normal look like'? Receiving the news that your loved one committed suicide is traumatizing. I agree, Lois. She goes on to say that since you've never been through anything remotely like this before it is going to take time. And no set amount of time. Every single person will journey through the grief process at their own pace. You cannot control the timeline. You just have to allow it to happen. The consequences of not doing so will be clear as time goes on as the survivor will experience another type of heartache due to the journey not taken, says wise Lois. 

Lois goes on to write that she struggled a lot with the "if onlys." A counselor told her the better question is, "How am I going to live with this?" Great question. But, what is the answer? I'm still trying to figure this out. I really, really, really want to pretend this didn't happen. The paragraph above hints at the greater trauma I will have to learn to live with if I choose this path. Dang it. This is too hard. And yet God says all things are possible in Christ. Do I believe that or not? I either believe God or I don't. And, yes, I do believe Him. Without Him, there is no way I would be able to pull myself out of bed each day. I want to want to live. For God, for my husband, for my kids, for my sister, for my friends, and for my grand kids. Truth be known...there are many days I don't want to do this living without Brendan thing but I don't know how I could ever bring this Herculean amount of pain to my remaining loved ones. I might not think I'm worth it, I might feel like I'm not enough (which is really hard to argue against when Brendan literally abandoned me. He really did. He LEFT. It's almost like, "Hey, mom, I can't carry this anymore, will you carry it for me? The pain is too heavy. The sadness too great. The exhaustion overwhelming." But that pain, sadness, and exhaustion didn't go away. It just transferred. To me. To his dad. To his sisters. To his cousins, aunts, and uncles. To his friends. To his co-workers. 

Am I angry with Brendan? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes I'm just not sure. I think back to the note he left. I remember the words written in his own hand. The words that said this: "I love you all so much. I am so sorry." 

John Hewitt says in his book After Suicide "survivors feel rage toward the deceased for publicly rejecting them. Suicide is a form of desertion, a way of saying, 'I abandon you' for all to see. Anger is your natural response to such treatment." It is hard for me to reconcile the Brendan who was there for other people is the same Brendan that willingly set aside his burden and gave it to us to carry. 

Lois mentions the stigma that still exists around suicide. Survivors of suicide often feel shame, embarrassment, and might think their loved one did something terribly wrong. She says it's kind of like being branded. We are forever and permanently changed and we can't hide the scars and trauma - it's right out there for everyone to see. And judge. She says that some of these feelings are a result of people thinking suicide is a criminal, cowardly, or sinful act. Francine Klagsbrun speaks to this: Suicide in a family is not a shameful matter to be hidden away. It is a tragedy that destroys one life and disrupts many others. Yep.

Interesting statistics that Lois quotes in this booklet...Dr. Farberow says "the suicidal person experiences overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, feels incapable of working out any solutions...is unable to see other alternatives besides death." He also writes this, "Studies have shown that more than 90% of individuals who die by suicide satisfy the criteria for one or more psychiatric disorders."

Lois found herself doing research trying to find out what God thinks about suicide. She identified five accounts of suicide in the Old Testament and one in the New Testament. Abimelech in Judges 9:50-54; Samson in Judges 16:23-31; Saul in 1 Samuel 31:1-5; 2 Samuel 1:1-27; Zimri in 1 Kings 16:8-18; Ahithopel in 2 Samuel 17:23; and Judas in Matthew 27:5. She concluded that there is no place in the Bible where any of these people are recriminated against for their suicidal act. She then speaks to God's sustaining love, mercy, and forgiveness (Psalm 36:5). 

She goes on to say, "Throughout his ministry on earth, Jesus forgave people. During his last hours on earth, Jesus said: Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing - Luke 23:34. 

John Hewitt and Karl Barth sum this up so well. "To make the last millisecond of a person's life so supremely important is to misunderstand both the words of our lives and the forgiveness of God. Our lives aren't games of high-stakes poker, where one final hand can wipe you out. God judges our lives in their totality. If we accept the promise that God's nature is one of steadfast love and mercy, then we must say with Barth: 'If there is forgiveness of sins at all, there is surely forgiveness for suicide". 

I don't know how to wrap up this post. There's so much more to say, but I'm tired. It's enough for today. I hope, with all of my heart, that this is helping somebody. I am incredibly thankful for the people who have walked this dark road ahead of me and learned to live with it be becoming a beacon of hope for those of us who have now joined them on this crappy journey. Maybe I can learn to live with this by becoming a beacon of hope too. Beacons for Brendan...