This is a long one...

 I am thankful that I went back to work yesterday and that today is a federal holiday. I was able to spend time with my husband, both my girls, our little Theo, and Maddy's boyfriend, Spencer. It was a very nice day. I was reflecting earlier in the day that there were bits of time today where I was not thinking about the loss of Brendan and the manner in which he died. It gives me hope for the future, hope that every single moment will not be marked by sharp, intense pain; that as time goes on there will be more frequent and longer lasting times that will be marked by happiness, peace, and laughter.

Then came FedEx. I noticed the van pull up in our driveway. I went out to retrieve the package that had been left on our porch. I noticed the return address: United In-Flight Team. Inside the package was a stack of 31 cards tied up with blue and white ribbon. I began opening and reading the cards that members of Brendan's United family had graciously taken the time to write. These are some of the things the cards said: 

"I flew with him while he was going through his break-up and he told me what a great support system his family was. He talked so highly of you guys. You could feel the love he had for your guys." 

"Thank you for giving the world this amazing soul. Words cannot even begin to explain how sorry I am for this devastating loss. He made such an impact on this world."

"I flew with you a month or so ago and couldn't forget how kind and helpful you were."

"You had a warm and loving smile I won't forget."

"Brendan was a bright light in our United family and will be dearly missed. I pray that you will find comfort in the fact he was loved by many here. I had the pleasure of flying to Brussels last summer with Brendan and will never forget his beautiful smile."

"He was always leading with the most pure intentions. I always admired that about him. Even without saying it, you could tell that Brendan saw all of the good in the world."

"His sense of humor and shining personality were like none other. He was loved."

"What a great soul. An amazing person, a great smile, and a huge heart."

"He was the sweetest, most genuine person I had the pleasure to meet."

"I will cherish the many laughs we shared."

"Brendan was such a beacon of light in this world. He will be dearly missed."

"Brendan was THE biggest heart I knew."

"You had such a nice a smile and were super friendly. You had such an amazing energy."

"Brendan was such a light in our Chicago Base."

"I had the absolute pleasure and honor to fly with Brendan in September on his first trip to Munich. As often happens, the trip had some glitches and craziness, but Brendan handled it with warmth, class, and humor. I absolutely adored him and felt like I was working with my son or a good friend. I gave him a hug at the end and I wish I would have held on a little longer." 

"Brendan was so kind. He made coming to work easier. Mental health is so hard with this job. I feel for him."

And yes, as you might expect, I ugly cried while trying to read these heartfelt tributes for my son. I love him so very much. I miss him more than mere words can convey. I want more time with him. I used to tell him some of my fears about being alone if something happened to his dad. He promised me that he would always be here for me and I would never have to worry about being alone. He was supposed to be planning my funeral service, not the other way around. 

What can I do to keep his memory alive? It absolutely sucks that there is only a memory left of him to try to keep alive - I hate that so much! But I am so incredibly glad that we have memories of him. I treasure the time I had with him. I guess I'm selfish - I WANT MORE. I can hear myself responding to that statement when made by my kids as they were growing up and I would sometimes flippantly reply with "how does it feel to want?" Well, I can tell you how it feels. It's awful. It's an ache that doesn't go away. I find it perplexing that the pain can't be seen by others- it feels so big and ugly, like a monster in the room that you want to run and hide from but there is no out-running this monster. 

There's a part of me that wants to apply to be a flight attendant with United. I'm not sure if that's ridiculous or not. I know it wouldn't change things - Brendan is gone, nothing is bringing him back. And to be honest, IF I made it through the interview and training process, I am not sure I am smart enough to figure out the schedule. :) The few times Brendan tried to explain it to me, I felt like my brain was melting. :-) 

The one thing I know for sure is that I want people to know that there is hope and help. I want people to know that I am here for them. I want them to know I am a safe place. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to know that there is One who loves them unconditionally. I want them to know they are created for a purpose. Brendan lived his life in a way that touched the hearts of others. He was kind and caring. He was funny. He was super smart. But, he was a good actor too...he didn't let many people see the "real" Brendan. The one who was hurting tremendously. The one who felt like he would never be enough. The one who thought that when things went wrong that he was the source of the problem. All the turbulent thoughts and lies that the world threw at him became so loud that he could not hear the truths of God's love for Him. It was easier for him to believe the bad stuff over the good stuff. This world is rough. It will tear us to pieces if we don't have God as our foundation and anchor. Brendan had placed his faith and trust in God when he was a young boy. When he began to struggle as he grew up and reached out to a local pastor in the community where he was living, that pastor let him down in a huge way. That pastor could have shown love and helped Brendan see how loved he was and the good plans God had for him. He could have prayed with and for our boy. He could have been a friend to Brendan. He could have helped carry the burdens of Brendan's soul. Instead, that pastor chose to draw a line in the sand. He took the low road and made it clear to Brendan that if you do (fill in the blank) or if you do not (fill in the blank) you are or are not a reprobate, an evil person, someone beyond the reach of God's grace, mercy, and love. That pastor is wrong. None of us are beyond God's reach. Churches, pastors, and fellow believers - DO BETTER. Show love, speak truth in love, and be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. It is not our job to be the judge and jury for anyone else. We are to attract people to Jesus, not make them want nothing to do with Him. Shame on us. God didn't give His only Son up for us to decide who is loved and who is not, who is accepted and who is not. We are ALL sinners in need of a Savior. We all struggle in the flesh. I thank God that He sent His son Jesus to pay the penalty for my sins and for those of the whole world and He chooses to love me in spite of knowing all about me. He has adopted me into His family and He will never, ever abandon me. No matter what my on-going struggles are, He is in it for the long haul. Thank you, God! God forgive us for being mean-spirited and judgmental. God please forgive me for the part I have played in making people feel less than when I mistakenly thought I had all the answers - I had it all figured out. I was right and if you didn't think like me, you were wrong. Oh, the arrogance. I believe God has shown me that my job is to live my faith out loud while extending the grace and forgiveness I have received from God to others. It is God's job to know and understand the hearts of mankind. 

I tried for 13 years to repair the damage done to Brendan by that pastor. His dad and I tried to show him how loved he was by God and by us. But those damning words uttered to Brendan by an individual who claimed to be the hands and feet of Jesus did irreparable damage to our sweet boy. The tongue has the power to heal and destroy. If you are reading this, I want you to know beyond any shadow of doubt that YOU ARE LOVED, desperately, by a gracious God who wants a relationship with you. He is able to fill the void and meet you right where you are. You don't have to hide from Him or "clean up" to come to Him. He knows everything about us and yet He still LOVES us. It's incredible. My own mother abandoned me. I grew up thinking that there is no way God could love me when I was so defective that my own mother couldn't love me. I can remember wanting to take my own life. I remember beating myself up any time I made a mistake. I thought it was just more evidence that I was worthless and not worthy to be breathing the same air as everyone else. I truly believed I was a burden, a problem needing a solution, a freak of nature that should not be allowed to exist. And it has taken me a very long time (decades) for me to accept and believe that God loves me. Why God loves us so much remains a mystery to me, but I know He does. Jesus loves you. Unconditionally. I don't know why it has taken this horrific tragedy for these thoughts and words to come bubbling up out of my grieving spirit to be able to be bold enough to proclaim the truth of God's love on a public platform for people to read and perhaps mock me, to perhaps conclude that I am a simple-minded, uneducated person. And it's okay if that's the camp you are in. Please know I am praying - praying that God will give you a desire to seek Him out and that you will experience the truth and fullness of God's love. And if there is one who reads this and begins to dare to believe that it might be possible to be loved with no strings attached, that the emptiness inside can be turned to fountains of joy and peace - the ridicule of others is worth it. 

Because Brendan had called on Jesus when he was a young child, my husband and I believe that when he took his last troubled breath here on earth he stepped directly into the presence of God. In my mind I see Brendan basking in the love of the good, good Father. I see that beautiful smile no longer trying to hide the pain. God tells us that for a believer to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. He also tells us that anyone, ANYONE, who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Call out to Him, dear one. Choose to believe what God says about you - don't let the noise of the world drown out His truth.