A sad season

 It's been a rough couple of weeks. I had told my hubby I was just starting to feel like I was getting a bit of energy back and then news of the school shooting in Perry came out. I didn't know how hearing that type of news would impact me. I am a tender-hearted person and always have been impacted by tragedies such as this, but I was not prepared for how I would respond to this horrible news. I don't have a child in the Perry schools, I don't think I even know anyone from Perry, but when I first heard the news it felt like I was getting the news about my Brendan all over again. I cried, hard. I felt sick. My head started pounding. My heart went crazy. I could not think of anything other than those poor families that were getting ready to receive terrible news that would hurtle them into the depths of despair. My heart broke, again. Each time my phone buzzed with an update, each time my work computer dinged with someone updating the team, I felt sick and cried harder. I again felt like someone had taken a knife to my heart and shredded it to pieces. The dear family who lost their 11 year old son...I am so, so sorry. The family of the young man whose choices hurt so many..I am so, so sorry. You have lost a child which in itself brings unimaginable pain, and you also have the added weight of perhaps wanting to bear the burden of the actions of your son's last moments. I hope you will seek help and support. I am still trying to remember that my son's choice to take his life was his to make. I am so sorry that your son made the choices he did as well. Please try to remember that he made those choices, you did not. I also want others to remember that my son was an amazing person and his entire life should not be defined by the last choice he made. My heart breaks for you. To all the victims and their families who will be trying to navigate the trauma and physical consequences of what happened, I am so, so very sorry. I find myself wishing I was independently wealthy so I would be able to do more than just pray for all of you and donate the little bit we can. I don't know any of you, but I wish I did. I want to wrap you up in a hug that lets you know you are not alone. I cannot possibly know your exact pain, but I do know pain. I do know loss. And I do know heartbreak. I am lifting all of you up in prayer and asking the Lord Jesus to provide you the comfort and strength you need to navigate the future. I am praying that you will feel His presence in your lives and see the goodness of the Father through the hands and feet of His people. 

My husband is a pastor and spent time as a hospice chaplain and bereavement counselor over the years. He will be starting bereavement groups in both Perry and Boone. If you are looking for support as you deal with your grief, old or new, you are more than welcome to reach out to us for details. Please know that we care and consider it a privilege and an honor to walk along side you.

A sweet friend gave us a book on grief and the entry for January 11th was meaningful to me. I'd like to share it here. "When the lethargy of grief overtakes us, we can feel as if we are moving through mud. Everything takes too much effort. We are tired physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. This is normal and necessary, but sometimes we rebuke ourselves or feel guilty for being so lazy. Instead, we should flip the rebuke over and see that sometimes it is our very idleness that allows progress in our healing. The lethargy of grief nurtures our need to slow down, turn inward, and bask in being in neutral. Times of not doing and simply be-ing can allow us to discover new insights and experience breakthroughs. In our stillness, the truth may rise to the top." - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt from Grief, One Day At A Time. All of us who are grieving need to listen to our bodies - God designed them and they are incredible. I am learning that it is okay if all I can do for a day is put good fuel in my body and rest I have done something worthwhile. The philosophy that we should keep pushing through and let nothing slow us down is not conducive to healing. I There is a mental health group that had t-shirts made for all their staff that says, "Under re-construction" I love that. I am most definitely under re-construction. 

I signed up for a virtual Christian Suicide Support Group. Last night was my first night joining. There were 11 of us in the meeting. Some members have lost husbands, some brothers, some childlren, some parents. When I was introduced to the group, the leader said he was so sorry there was a reason for me to be there, and so glad that I found the group. That's exactly how I feel. I H-A-T-E that I have a reason to be a member of a suicide support group. But I am so very thankful they exist. I could see the pain in the eyes of the members who had their cameras on and I could hear the pain in the voices of those who shared. My heart clenched as I listened to some of the things these precious people are going through. We were reminded that the guilt we feel, the thoughts that we could have or should have done more, the idea that if we would have been enough they wouldn't have left us are all thoughts that come from the Enemy. God is not the author of these dangerous thoughts. We talked about grief triggers. It was interesting to hear what some of the others have experienced and I shared my surprise at my reaction to the Perry school shooting. A member shared that they kept extremely busy following the suicide of their loved and and years went by and now as they have approached a new season in their life where they have more time to be still and reflect they realized they had been avoiding the grief. Grief is really strange...it demands attention. A grieving person HAS to decide to "embrace their grief" and give in to the uncomfortable process in order to start the journey to healing. The general consensus of the group is that it is harder if you try to avoid it and put it off. I totally get it. A large part of me wants to pretend this never happened. I want to compartmentalize it and not allow it to interfere with the other areas of my life. But my son wasn't just one area of my life. He flowed into every area of my life. There is practically nothing I do that doesn't remind me of him. I eat a certain food, I go to a certain place, I listen to a song, I watch a show, I play the piano, I drive my car, I play a game, I take a walk, I plan a trip, I take a shower in the same bathroom he often showered in, I get irritated by something that happened at work and I can't wait to vent to him about it, I receive a kudos and I want to share it with him, I pray for those on my heart and I remember how I lifted him up in prayer EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He is always in my thoughts, always on my mind, always in my heart. Even the memories are bitter sweet. It's wonderful to have memories to hold on to and yet they sting too. Right now it feels as if every single experience I have is shadowed by the absence of him. 

As I sit here typing this, the snow is falling and blowing like crazy. We are actually under a blizzard warning. I feel like I can relate to the storm. This season of loss is very much like a dark, cold winter in my life. It has the same feeling that spring and hope and new life is a long, long, long ways away. Maybe this season of winter (in actuality and in my personal life) is giving me time to pause and just be still with my thoughts and my pain. My heart feels cold. But just as I reach for the fuzzy socks and warm blankies to get physically warm, I can reach for the Bible, a devotional, connect with others, and listen to praise music to get spiritually warm. I know that winter cannot and will not continue on without end. It is a season that must be experienced. New life, hope, sunshine, and warmth is coming.