The Prickly Pineapple

 The last several weeks have felt like I've stepped back in time grief wise. The trouble focusing, ugly crying, and mental and physical exhaustion are all back. My energy level is back in the crapper. I thought I was past this. I wasn't prepared for what this anniversary date would bring.  I'm trying. I really am trying hard, but, I'm struggling big time. Not much motivation to do anything at all. Doing things because I need to do them, but, not really feeling anything besides sadness and confusion. Sadness because I miss you, terribly. Sadness because I can't see you, touch you, hear your voice, talk with you, listen to you laugh, and watch you make memories with the family (or falimy as you used to say when you sang the Barney song to us no less than a MILLION times when you were little). The falimy is not the same. There is a HUGE hole where you should be. You didn't have to leave. You chose to. That hurts really, really bad. Sometimes I can understand that y...

 My last 6 weeks or so have been rough and ugly. Anxiety got WAY out of control. The things I wanted to think on, uplifting things, I couldn't seem to dwell on. But I had zero problem obsessing over the things that brought pain. The scary thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone. Like, what were Brendan's last moments like? The images that kept scrolling across my mind were gruesome and the horror they conjured up about pushed me over the edge.  It's crazy to me that I know that I know that I know that the battle is ALWAYS in the mind. Satan knows exactly how to hurt me and I know what the solution is but I still kept falling further and further into that pit that I despise. That pit and I have spent far too much time getting to know each other. Enough is enough.  I listened to a message by Tom Messer with my hubby the other night as we were driving to and from a bereavement group he is trying to get going in Perry, IA. The title was something like, Finding Joy in Sorrow. ...

 It's been almost 3 months since I posted. Once I started back to work and was able to get in 40 hours per week it seemed to take all my energy. I literally felt like a wet dishrag by the time I had put my 8 hours in for the day. No energy for processing my thoughts and getting them recorded in this blog. And quite honestly, a lot of the thoughts and feelings I've been working through have been quite dark. I didn't want to risk being judged for them. I am still way too fragile - that makes me think of The Christmas Story - to handle criticism for how I am feeling.  But today while I was at church listening to my husband's sermon I realized something. Jim's text was from Philippians 4 and he was making a point about living out our faith rather than just talking about faith. He made a comment about wanting to leave a legacy for his kids and others that they will have no doubt that Jim believed God and trusted Him in and with all things. Pow! That's the comment tha...

The weather where we live is brutal right now. Between the cold temperatures, wicked wind, and gargantuan amounts of snow, I find myself using multiple measures to try to stay warm. I have been wearing layers upon layers of clothing, drinking gallons of coffee, living in Cuddle Dud socks, wrapping myself in soft blankies, and eating lots of soup. And, of course, this means it is fireplace season. Or it is supposed to be. Our gas fireplace bit the dust this week. I did not realize what a tremendous difference it makes during the cold season in our home. We live in a split-level house and the fireplace resides in the room adjacent to the three-season room. The fireplace has a thermostat so we set it and forget it - it keeps that area of the house cozy and warm. Well, it did - up until last week. Now that area of the house is frigid cold, dark, uninviting, a place to be avoided. We've been looking in to getting it fixed and that might also be a bit of a challenge. It's 23 years ol...

 It's been a rough couple of weeks. I had told my hubby I was just starting to feel like I was getting a bit of energy back and then news of the school shooting in Perry came out. I didn't know how hearing that type of news would impact me. I am a tender-hearted person and always have been impacted by tragedies such as this, but I was not prepared for how I would respond to this horrible news. I don't have a child in the Perry schools, I don't think I even know anyone from Perry, but when I first heard the news it felt like I was getting the news about my Brendan all over again. I cried, hard. I felt sick. My head started pounding. My heart went crazy. I could not think of anything other than those poor families that were getting ready to receive terrible news that would hurtle them into the depths of despair. My heart broke, again. Each time my phone buzzed with an update, each time my work computer dinged with someone updating the team, I felt sick and cried harder. I...

 Tomorrow ushers in a new year. Another thing that I can't stop from happening and don't want to do without you. I think if I could gather up all my grief, put it in a box, seal it up, and leave it in 2023 I would. But that feels disloyal to you in some way - like I'd be choosing to leave you behind. In reality, you chose to leave me behind. It seems unfair that I can't compartmentalize my grief and choose to leave all the pain behind. Because I loved you so much and love you still I am unable to do that. Grief just doesn't work that way. It's like once you became a part of my body, living in my womb, our hearts and souls became knit together and it is impossible to separate your life from mine. Sometimes when I sit quietly and think of you I can remember how it felt when your tiny feet kicked inside of me, when you would roll across my belly, and when you would stretch. You made me a mom. You have been a part of me since 1991 and you will remain a part of me un...